You Are Beautiful

bringinsassybck @ 2009-03-28T16:22:00

2009-03-28T21:37:09Z

Have I really been that naive? That naive to think that there was no problem? No problem in the way that people view themselves and other people? Every joke, every comment, everything. Everything...I never realized how big a deal it was until now.

I'm so tired.

I'm tired of people judging other solely on how they look. I'm tired of walking in bookstores and finding that the only books they advertise are those on 'how to lose 10 pounds fast'. I'm tired of walking through supermarkets and finding that nearly everything has a calorie count on the cover - 'only 50 calories! only this many carbs!'

I'm tired but I'm also feeling guilty. Because that's how I've lived. Because I have been that person.

I'm wondering why everyone comments on a status on facebook that is funny or witty, but when it's something true....when I state that all people are beautiful...

People need to believe that they are beautiful.
Just the way they are.

bringinsassybck @ 2009-03-28T15:56:00

2009-03-28T20:56:31Z

You are beautiful just the way you are.

I can be anything you like.

2009-03-25T04:14:43Z

Does going to a movie with a whore make me a whore?
Or does that make me a pimp?
Technically I'm not paying him.

So then does going to a movie with a slut make me a slut?

These are the questions that haunt me.

Shallow.

2009-03-15T03:00:17Z

I know this shouldn't make me mad, but it does.

So I went and saw Race to Witch Mountain and it was amazing - a really good movie. So after the movie me and some friends as well as my youth pastor were all standing around. [[ Please note that I highly dislike my youth pastor. ]]

While we were standing around I saw a poster for the new Wolverine movie coming out and I freaked out and dragged my friend over to see it. I love X-Men with a burning passion, and I also love Ryan Reynolds, so staring at the poster just kind of made my life....a lot better.

So we were talking about the movie [[ Witch Mountain ]] afterward and my youth pastor commenced to say how the movie was "just okay" and blah blah. He asked what I thought and I said that I thought that it was really, really good.

And then he says, "Oh, I know why you thought it was good."

I stared at him for awhile, not really getting what he was saying. It was only after a little while of thinking that I realized that he assumed that because Dwayne Johnson was in it, that's why I loved the movie.

Um. What?

So Dwayne Johnson is an attractive man, yes, but I didn't go see the movie just because of that. When I told my youth pastor that he goes, "Oh yeah, that's why you went over and stared at that poster."

aslkdjflasjdgflasgd.

He just agitates me! It's like...seriously. I am not a shallow person. Yes, I am the girl who can rant about how hot Hugh Jackman is, but I don't base my movie picks on how hot an actor is. I go and see X-Men movies because I love X-Men and used to watch the cartoon when I was little....like all the time. Ha. Sorry, I didn't read the comics...but I should...

So anyways.

I guess because I go to movies with attractive men in them, that makes me shallow.

Makes perfect sense.

Prom.

2009-03-11T03:21:03Z

What is up with Prom? I wasn't going to go...I mean, really wasn't going to. I felt like it would be way too hyped up and it would just be a horrible experience. I told my friends that I wouldn't go unless I had a date....and I assumed that I wouldn't get a date.

And then he asked me.

We weren't really close at all until this year, and we really started talking and all that. And then...well, let's just say something very serious happened and I was able to help him out. So now we talk all the time. We trust each other with a lot of things, we like each other. I'm not sure if I really want a relationship right now, but I'll figure that out I guess.

Anyway. So a long time ago I made this joke that we were going to go to prom together. Today he asked if I really, seriously wanted to go with him. And I told him that out of all the people I could go to prom with, I would want it to be him.

So there. Prom it is.

I'm actually very suprised that I'm doing this prom thing...hopefully it'll be fun. I already told him that I fail at dancing and he said that he does too, so we'll just hang out and talk and do things that don't involve potentially hurting ourselves. Hahaha.

So...yes. Prom. Wow.
Now I have to go find a dress.
And stuff.

Job

2009-03-08T23:26:38Z

I think God knew what he was doing.

I think that we all look at the story and Job and we think that it's all about God being a bully or about Satan being the bully or about Job 'getting a stronger faith'.

But I don't think that's it.

I think God looked at Job and how he was living and he thought Job wasn't really living. I mean, do you think Job was living? He was rich, he had a wife and children and lots of land. He had it. He had 'everything' by the standards of that time. But...I don't think Job was living. I think that Job was the man who woke up and praised God for a new day even when he didn't know what that meant. I don't think Job knew what it really meant to pray for something. And to praise God for the things and people in his life.

I think Job was just getting by. He had faith, sure, but not real faith. He knew that God had provided for him and was going to continue providing for him. He knew all the rules and regulations. He was going with the motions, and I don't think he had a good understanding of what it all really meant.

So I think when Satan came up and challenged God - challenged Job - I think God knew. I think God looked at Job and said to himself, "Job needs to realize what it means to really live. To really have faith."

Job lost everything. Everything was taken away from him. And yeah, it's extreme. God is kind of a bully in this story. It was cruel and unusual and even though Job got everything back in the end...he could never get his kids back. He could never get his life back to the way it was.

But you know what?

I bet you when Job woke up that next morning and began to pray...

I bet you he understood. He understood the value of that next day. He understood that God could have taken away his life - that God had the authority and the power to take away everything even though he'd just gotten it back.

And I bet you Job loved his wife. And adored his kids. I bet he saved his fortune and valued everything in his life ten times more than he did before.

God didn't give Job faith; Job already had faith. God gave Job life. Job's faith only grew and his life...I bet it was so much better.

It's like that quote - "We must show these men and women freedom by enslaving them and courage by frightening them."

I bet Job lived like he was alive after that. Really lived.

I think we all need to be more like Job.

Writer's Block: Desert Island Time

2009-03-02T22:27:36Z

You're packing your bag for that magical desert island that happens to have electricity, a TV, and a DVD player—what five DVDs do you take with you?

View 501 Answers

Fight Club

X-Men (1)
X-Men (2)

Firefly Season DVD

Interview With a Vampire

CNN

2009-03-02T01:20:29Z

Sometimes I confuse the sound of the TV with my parents fighting. Or vice versa.

It's not even like my parents fight a lot. I mean, they do fight, and when they fight it's usually about things that don't have any relevance to anything at all, but usually they just keep it to short nasty comments once in awhile. If something happens that pisses one of them off. Or both of them off. Or everyone off.

But when I was little I would sit and listen to them fight and it would be horrible. I would say to myself that I would never, ever fight like that with someone. There are things that are important and then there are the things that they fight about - not important things. I told myself that I would fight about the important things, because cars and phones are not important. Not really.

Other times it's just the TV, though. And it's during those moments when I get up and hop over the spot on my floor that makes the creaking noise so no one will realize I'm up. I tip toe over to the door and I press my ear to the crack in between the door and the door frame. And I listen. And if it's CNN and turn and go back to sleep. If it's a pointless argument I stand and listen, closing my eyes and just waiting for it to stop.

CNN is so fucking depressing, but sometimes I think it's better listening to the reporters telling me that Florida is sinking instead of listening to my parents arguing about whether or not to buy that expensive new car.

Hammers and Strings

2009-03-01T04:34:48Z

Don't try to make me feel guilty.

Did you know - do you know - what I've been through?
I have a good life compared to other people but when it comes down to it....when it comes down to the gist of it..

I am flawed. I am human. I do not belong with all of them, in that place. They can have their fun and run around and live their boring, sheltered lives and I will always be there to shake my head at them. It's weird that I am the kind of person who can stand in a group of people that are all different. A girl who thrives on asian culture, an interracial couple - a modern day Romeo and Juliet, a guy who is crazy in all of the wrong and right ways, a tall silent one who can sketch like a god, a girl with a thick accent and a stubborn spirit, and me. A mixed girl who just loves hanging out with her friends and who just wants to live, really.

And then my other friends...the ones at my church. They stand in their small cliques, they think they know things about the world. Even though it's not all their fault, I can't help but shake my head. I can't help but judge. They wander around and scream in terror every time they see something different or hear something that's out of their comfort zones.

I have seen girls kiss girls and guys kiss guys. I have explored what I believe instead of blindly accepting something that I'm 'supposed' to believe. I have listened to story after story of people who have had hard lives - lives you wouldn't believe. I have cried for them, I have fought for them.

Now I just want to ask them...I want to ask everyone...

What are you fighting for?

And are you living - really living - with your eyes wide open?

Because if you aren't being open...if you don't at least try to accept those who aren't like you...
...then what's the point..?

My eyes are screaming for a sight of you.

2009-01-27T22:51:44Z

So yesterday I told my mom that I was depressed. She was concerned, of course, and immediately wanted to talk and get help and all that. I'm so glad that I have a mom like that. The only thing is that I can't open up to her. It's hard for me to open up to people, even her. So right now I think that she thinks it's just something that I'll 'get over'. She thinks that it's just the stress of school. School is part of it, but definitely not the main things.

My dad, on the other hand.

My mom told him - I heard her telling him about it, even though I kind of didn't want her to.

And he still doesn't give a damn.

He has acted like nothing is going on. I swear...I don't understand. He just watches his TV and bosses me around. That's all he's ever done. I wish I had a father that acted like a father. But I don't. I just have a stranger in my house. He doesn't know one single thing about me. If you asked him what my favorite color was or who my first boyfriend was he couldn't tell you. My mom could. He couldn't.

Anyway. I think I'm going to talk to my mom again about going to see that doctor next week. I think it'll help a lot. He specializes in teenagers who have problems like depression. I hate missing school, but if it helps me out then I think it's more than worth it.

Goodness. I'm screwed up right now, aren't I?

I want to cry again, which is bad. I cried nearly all day yesterday and a little the day before, so today would not be good.

Usually the nothing goes away by now, but right now it's still here...

Writer's Block: So Long, Farewell

2009-01-20T01:17:34Z

It's the last day in office for George Bush. There's been a lot of talk in the media lately about Bush's legacy. What do you think he will be most remembered for?

View 500 Answers

Failing at life?

Nah. I think Bush was....well...okay, there's really nothing good I can say about him. I mean, I know that he's done some good things, but they've all escaped my mind at the moment....

I'm waiting for change.

Someone I know said that Obama cannot possibly live up to the hype that is being created. In some ways I think he's right. People are waiting for a miracle, but they aren't going to get one. Obama is a man just like Bush was, so we can't expect magic from him. All we can do is stand behind him as he leads our country into 2009.

A lot of my [[CLOSE MINDED]] friends don't realize how special tomorrow is going to be. It's not just about Obama becoming President. It's about a man who is half white and half black becoming President. It is a huge bridge that African Americans have crossed. It amazing to think that one day we could have a President who is a woman, Hispanic, Asian, or anything else you can think of!

Diversity. God, I love it.

Another thing I don't understand...I mentioned something good about Obama today and one of my friends was like, "But he wants to kill babies!" [[meaning abortion]]. I was just like...um, what? True, Obama is for abortion. I hate abortion with every fiber of my being, and I think it needs to go far, far away. That's one of the things I don't like about Obama. But even so...Bush was against abortion, wasn't he? But he never touched the subject of abortion while in office. Never outlawed it or anything. I think people think that if we have a President that is for abortion or gay marriage or some other 'taboo' subject then they'll immediately change the whole world with a snap of their fingers.

But truly, [[ and unfortunately when it comes to gay marriage ]] it doesn't work that way. It is up to the PEOPLE - up to US - to change the world just as much as it is the President's 'job'.

I wish gay marriage was legal.

I would be kicked out of my church if they knew a lot of the stuff I really believed.
A lot of my friends go to these 88% white schools that are so close minded it makes me want to kill myself. I mention something about gay people and they act like I just talked about running over puppies with a car or something. Goodness.

Woahhh, I'm off topic.

Anyway, back to the question.

I have to admit that Bush did handle 9/11 very well - even if people say he didn't - he really did. His attempt to bring America together, united, after 9/11 was pretty amazing. I do hate the war he's thrown us into, but at the same time he could've done things a lot worse than he did. Until we have Lucifer himself as President, I really don't think we have a right to complain all that much.

That is all. :D

Life is For Sharing

2009-01-17T04:03:42Z

Put up your peace sign, put your index down.

2009-01-11T17:20:48Z

I saw Gym Class Heroes last night, and it was amazing.

Travis McCoy started walking through the crowd and we all straight up molested him.
It was amazing.

He did an awesome show while he was sick with pneumonia!!

More later. Just wanted to share the awesomeness. :]

I would fight for you.

2009-01-09T04:58:38Z

Why am I so good at pushing people away?

I don't understand it.

Everyone I've had a connection with has just up and....left.

We never go back to it. The friendship we had.

We can never go back, can we?

I've lost you, haven't I?

I lost you the moment you laid eyes on me.

You never loved me.

Why does everything go back to that?

Rejection?

I think that I reject people because I've been rejected so much in life. I feel like I don't deserve acceptance either, so when someone tells me that I deserve it....I don't believe it. When people love me I push them away because I don't want it. The rejection.

He broke up with me because I never tried. I was scared.

I broke up with him because I was terrified of feeling that connected with someone.

And I never got together with him because I was scared that if we did....I was afraid what people would think. I convinced myself that it wouldn't work out even though it would have. I convinced myself of all these things that weren't true so I wouldn't hurt our relationship and wouldn't hurt him. And I ended up losing him anyway.

I know I have to stop being scared.

I just don't know how.

Let it ICE, Let it ICE....

2009-01-06T05:08:24Z

No Snow. No snow. Just Ice!

I got up this morning and got dressed in my cute little outfit and then....well, then my mom came in and informed me that God is on crack and the weather was going to be below 30 degrees.

Are you there, God? It's me, not that one annoying girl - Margret what's her name. Anyway, I'm just here to ask you why on earth you made it SO FUCKING COLD.

But anyway.

I'm actually very happy. I wasn't at first, but now I am. Why? Because, my dear Watson, when it ices in the lowly streets down hither, the buses cannot run. And if buses cannot run, then there cannot possibly be school.

70% chance there is school tomorrow. More like 90%. Ahaha.

But I'm allowed to dream, right?!

So I'm praying that overnight the roads are like - BRR, MMK BBL! - and ice over and the buses are like HELLNAW and the school is like - GTFO.

All in chatspeak.

Cause that's how tight the schooldistrict is [NOT].

....I should be studying.

I'm leaving now. xD

Biology: A Waste of My Time.

2009-01-04T22:38:02Z

You know what I am doing right now?

Why, I am on the internet, of course.

You know what I am NOT doing right now?

My Biology homework.

I have a question to all you teachers out there, (if there are any). Would you send a test home with your students to take over Christmas Break? Ohh, that sounds generous, you say. It does, doesn't it?

Too bad the test covers like...4 chapters.

Did I mention it's 100 questions?

I mean...really?! Do you have nothing better to do than to destroy lives? Jesus.
Not only that, but we have two tests as soon as we come back from break. TWO. Along with Semester Exams next week!

I hate my life. A little. Well, a lot right now. Yeah, a lot.

I know I should just buckle down and do it....but.....jasldkjglaskjdgaslkdg.

Does anyone want to do it for me? :DDDDD

I don't care whatcha think....

2009-01-03T19:54:42Z

So.

I have a problem.

I have a problem where I don't put away my clothes....and they pile up...and then there is a day like today, when I realize I have no clean clothes. And I am stuck staring at huge piles of clothes across my floor.

It is sad.

Other than that and homework I have no life.

I REALLY need to get organized. Or I will fail at my New Year Rezzies for sure.

If anyone has any organization tips....that would be fantastic...lol.
I'm off into the great beyond. AKA my clothing piles!!!!!

Go Speed Racer, Go!!!

2008-12-30T05:08:47Z

I have recently gone into the habit of saying 'Jesus' a lot. For example, while playing Mario Kart you can clearly hear me talking/yelling to myself and to the screen - saying things like 'MOVE, WALUIGI!' or 'No - shit - JESUS CHRIST.'

Mario Kart brings the worst out in people. Especially when you play with people around the world, because then you play the people from Japan who pretty much created the game...and yeah. It's frustrating. Ahaha.

My favorite character in Mario Kart is probably Yoshi, even though I almost never play him anymore. As soon as they added Baby Peach I was sold. Anything that is cute, small, and has a bow cannot escape my grasp. It was destiny. Plus, when you kick ass as Baby Peach it makes people feel 10x worse about their loss. So true.

So enough about Mario Kart.

Um...let's see. Christmas!

Christmas was good. I got Wii Fit, and lemme tell ya - IT WORKS. And I'm not just saying that. You go on Wii Fit and try to do some of those exercises! And that running in place game is....well, in all honesty it makes me want to kill myself, but you can feel that you're losing some weight. It builds muscle, mostly. I've only tried it out for about a week but I really love it so far. PLACE HUGE WIIFIT ADVERTISEMENT HERE.

Hmm...as for things that matter...

I'm getting braces tomorrow. Again. Only on the bottom row, but...yeah. I'm not very excited. WEAR YOUR RETAINER. If you don't than you will get braces again. Like me. Ha....ha.

It won't be that bad. I'll feel horrible about it for like...two seconds. And then I'll get over it. I'll get a nice fun color like....pink. Or not. Ha.

At least when it's over with I'll have shiny straight teeth again! That and I only have to wear them for about 8 weeks, which is....like....a little over two months? I'll have them off by Prom and Senior Pictures and all that.

Damn I talk a lot.

THAT IS ALL!!

Talk with your hips.

2008-11-28T22:50:10Z

Uh, so. Who's ready for Christmas? Because I am. Like, times 1000. Not that Thanksgiving wasn't great and all, but...I mean c'mon. You know Christmas is it.

I'm asking for some new clothes and some new Wii games here and there.

Oh, and to drive. Ha...ha.
Cause my parents are insane.
Oh, and I don't have insurance. But that's irrelevant...

I really wanna watch a movie.
So I will do so.
Illegally.
Online.
Like the pirates do.

I'm so bad. xD

Change...

2008-11-05T04:06:14Z

Barack Obama will be our 44th President of the United States.
Our first black President.
Change is here.
Can you feel it?

I know better not to be friends with boys with girlfriends.

2008-10-28T00:28:11Z

I really know better than that.

Just when I thought that I was done and over - just when I thought that I was away from feeling the way that I can't help but feel about him. It's so strange. He's that guy that I love, but not in the sexual way. More like the brother way. I care about him way too much. I really do. I never know what to say to him, though. I'm always tongue tied and saying weird things. He's going through a tough time and I feel like I can't help him.

It makes me sad.

I missed him though.

This is all way too weird.

Fluffy?!

2008-10-19T04:09:08Z

I wish I were more edgy. Like the cool hair, cool clothes, interesting demeanor kind of edgy. I am really not an edgy person, but I love life more when I am happy. Like earlier tonight, after I saw a movie. I jumped around the movie theater, ran down halls, and just laughed. I didn't really care what other people thought. I almost went up to a guy that I didn't even know to tell him that I liked his jacket - and to ask for his number, even! I NEVER do that.

I had fun.

I think that's what life is. Finding the good and the fun in every single little thing that you do. If I could feel free and alive like that all the time....wow. That would be awesome.

Maybe it's just that simple, though. To just have that mindset all the time - to love life.
That's easier said than done, though.

I just saw Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, and I'm wondering where Fluffy is.....

bringinsassybck @ 2008-10-13T21:34:00

2008-10-14T02:53:15Z

Ahhh....so I'm going to try and get an actual post out here.

Life has been...interesting. Right now the big dilemna is me and my stupid view of myself, that never seems to get better...I swear, I don't get it. I keep wishing I looked different. I'm never - not even once - satisfied with my appearance. It sucks.

It sucks even more that I'm so hard on myself about things that don't really matter, like my appearance, but when it comes to important things like school I don't care. Why is that, I wonder?

Whatever, I don't know.

I do wonder if this will ever stop. These thoughts, these feelings. I wonder a lot of things.

I'm not depressed, I swear!!!!

I just think a lot?
Yeah, we'll go with that one.

Listen Up!

2008-10-09T02:30:36Z

bringinsassybck @ 2008-06-04T21:07:00

2008-06-05T02:15:45Z

I don't even know what to write anymore!
I need to write something more than crap, that's for sure.

All I do is sit here and type...and type...

Right now I'm ready for summer. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I'm hanging out with this younger guy who doesn't have the guts to just ask me out. I'm stressing out about college. My friends...do I have friends? I'm not so sure.

I'm just here.

This is weird.